Family
by lirpa
Summary: Lucivar's thoughts on Queen of Darkness


Family (1/1)  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. They belong to Anne Bishop.  
  
Dedication: To my family, you know who you are.  
  
Distribution: My site, others please ask first.  
  
A.N: In Queen of Darkness Lucivar touches on the subject of family. I thought I'd take a more in-depth look at the subject.  
  
Family (1/1) by lirpa  
  
*Lucivar's POV*  
  
I don't need Daemon anymore, I have a family now. I could leave him dying in a ditch and I'd still have a family that loved me. I have all that I've been working for, for 1700 years. Or I did. Jaenelle is dead. Oh, the Kindred say that they can bring her back, that the Dreams can be brought back to the flesh.  
  
They tried to tell Daemon, but he wouldn't listen. I suppose that if I were in his place I would not listen either. But I am not in his place anymore, and I cannot understand. What Daemon is, what he has become, has slipped from my realm of comprehension as surely as water slips through one's fingers. Once I could understand him, but no more. It's like my brother has become a completely different person, or I have. Or maybe we've just grown away from each other.  
  
Once he was all I had, when we were both locked into bitter servitude in Terielle. Not though, I have a father, a mother, a wife, a son, even more brothers. I have everything I could have ever wanted. Daemon has nothing. He has nothing because of my mistake so many years ago, my cruel words. Words that sent him into the realm of madness. It was Jaenelle who, years later, led him back from the darkness. It was Surreal who helped him find himself again, Surreal and Manny. I have caused my brother nothing but pain in all the years I have known him, relied upon him.  
  
Daemon does not care, not really. He could not care if Saetan tried to stop him. Daemon has become his own person. Dependent upon the acceptance of only one person, and she is no longer here, she might never be again.  
  
It claws at him, I can see it. The loneliness, the pain. They eat away at his soul, feasting because we, because I, cannot, could not, see the entire picture. He feels alone, isolated, like everything he has ever cared about has been betrayed. And, in a way, I suppose it has.  
  
Jaenelle meant, means, the world to him. You can see it in his posture, in the sadness, in the anguish that pours off him relentlessly. He is a leaf, blowing in the wind, going wherever fate would take him. He has been adrift in a sea of his own guilt and anguish so deep he can barely keep his head above water. Jaenelle has done the impossible, she has defeated the Sadist.  
  
Did she ever stop to think about what this would do to him? Did she ever think that death would be kinder than this endless sea of guilt he now struggles with? She made a choice, for the good of everyone, I understand that, but did she ever stop to think about the consequences to a few? She did what she thought was right, I know that. She saved us all. And yet she destroyed daemon. Did she ever stop thinking about the worlds and think about herself? Did she ever think about Daemon, or did she just write him off as an inevitable casualty of the war? Did daemon ever see through the pretty lies he tried to believe so hard? Or did he think that finally, after 1700 years, he could be at peace?  
  
I have found, over the years, that peace is the most elusive, mystical quality that people search for. Can people ever truly be at peace or will they always be searching for something more? It has been my experience that even having so much more than I thought I would ever have I still want more. People, I believe, can never be at peace, because it is not in our natures to be at peace. We will always want something more, it is what keeps us striving for perfection. And while we strive to reach the unreachable we will never be at peace. Daemon though, Daemon could find peace. All he ever wanted was to meet Witch, to be her consort. And he achieved all that, he reached the unreachable. And it was torn from him.  
  
For years I had thought I'd caused my brother's demise, I even named my own son after him, as near as I could anyway. For years I became completely obsessed with finding him and proving that we could start over again, build a new, better relationship between the two of us. Am I really ready to throw all that away again?  
  
No, no matter what he did, he did it to protect us, he did it to protect his family. A concept that's as terrifying as it is heartwarming. To do that, to act in a way that's as repulsive to him as it is to me, perhaps even more so to save his family. But he did it, he did it for her, he did it for his family.  
  
And as I watch him, sobbing in front of the statue, practically hysterical, my heart goes out to him. He's seen too much and you can see it, it marks his very soul. But it's more than that. It's like he was shown paradise and then it was snatched away. And I suppose it was. What is perfection if not paradise? But now my brother carries with him a pain that none can understand, the pain of having and losing.  
  
Daemon. I don't need him anymore. I have a family now, more than I would have ever imagined having in the mines. I was so sure I would die in those mines, so angry at Daemon for a crime he did not even commit. I wronged my brother that night, and later I swore I would never do that again. I would not hurt my brother without a reason. And I thought I had a reason, but in truth I did not.  
  
There is more to it than that though. Daemon was all I had for so long; I relied on him and he relied on me. Just because I have more now does not mean I will forget my past. For years and years Daemon was there when my family was not. He was my family when I had none. He was always there for me, even when I though I did not need him.  
  
No, I do not need Daemon anymore. But I could not, cannot, forget that he has been there when I needed him most. Besides, now he finally needs me.  
  
Fin. 


End file.
